Re- branding spinsterhood

– January 25, 2012Posted in: Digidisciple

Originally I wanted to write in response to Digitalnun’s stimulating blog on contemplative computing which was really thought provoking. But something else came up so you can read it for yourself.

What came up was a Twitter exchange involving two married men talking about singleness. My wiser self suggested I keep my head down and avoid entering the fray. Part of my hesitation is that any comment on singleness which is a little critical of the Church, from a single person could easily come across as the moaning of a bitter and twisted old boot. Well, I’ll risk it and let you be the judge of that.

Before I leap to this, a single friend has advised I put in a paragraph about fears of putting this online. Well, I don’t want to cause offence to married people and I hope I am not doing so. I don’t want to come over like a 21^st century Miss Haversham. I am not about to flambé myself! I suppose I feel a bit vulnerable being so open online – but it’s nothing I wouldn’t and haven’t said offline. Perhaps this blog is a bit negative, but it reflects real experience, .. perhaps we can work together at being a little more constructive?

Perhaps it’s worth remembering there are so many different varieties of singleness: single-never-married, single-divorced, single-widowed, single-with-kids, single-without-kids, single-hetro, single-gay, single-not-entirely-sure, happily-single, unhappily-single, single and keeping to the Church’s teaching on sexuality, single and not…

And to avoid speculation I am single-hetro,-never married-no kids-sometimes happy- sometimes-not, keeping to the church’s teaching, sometimes with difficulty, always – I hope – with integrity. So quit speculating. Which is another aspect of being single… people can be really prurient.

Now for a few observations and anecdotes which have rather affected me; I need a moment of cathartic expression. One classic was at the end of my curacy – at the ‘farewell-you-have-been-wonderful-now-clear-off’ party. All was going splendidly until a member of the congregation, a woman I knew well, sidled up to me and said, and I quote: ‘You’ve done a wonderful job here Kate, but there is something you never achieved…’ I hear the word ‘failure’ and being a driven perfectionist, start hyperventilating and scramble to grasp what I have failed to do. Response ‘You didn’t marry the vicar.’ This was in all seriousness. I felt a tad amused and wounded at the same time. What I heard was ‘until you are married, you are incomplete…’ Perhaps I am being unfair, but that is a message I feel the church has a habit of peddling. And my response is, well, frankly unprintable.

Another anecdote – this one connected with singleness and sexuality. I was at a parent and toddlers Christmas sing song. I was sitting with the toddlers giving it large with ‘Away in a Manger.’ The song finished and a small child meandered over brandishing baby Jesus, who to my childish amusement was anatomically correct. I leant across to one of the young mums and made a quiet and jokey comment along the lines of it being good to see that Fisher Price had been accurate about the details of the Incarnation. Now I accept that this was flippant and childish. I am frequently so. The woman’s response though, just left me speechless. Once again I quote…’You aren’t supposed to know about things like that.’ Right. Ok. Being single means that knowledge of genitals is not permitted. Um… it does suggest that singleness implies reduced sexuality or even asexuality, (not to mention stupidity) which again suggests incompleteness. Tell that to Jesus.

There are so many stories I could regale you with… a single woman, prison chaplain being told – by another minister – she couldn’t have Christmas day off as she didn’t have a family. A phone call I received one Saturday from a woman I know saying ‘Oh Kate, someone’s dropped out of my dinner party and now I have an odd number around the table. You were my first reserve.’ Odd number around the table? God forbid! FIRST RESERVE? Um… I suspect the wedding banquet of the Lamb might not consist of neatly paired off couples. I could go on, but I won’t. Suffice it to say that my experience with the Church and singleness has been less than positive. Perhaps the Church has made an idol of family life, rather than of community life. I’m not sure. Perhaps it is simply thoughtlessness…

Finally, a word on language. ‘Bachelor’. ‘Spinster’. Play the word association game. The ‘B’ word has connotations of raciness, fun, freedom, adventure, rakishness… How about the ‘S’ word? Um… garret rooms and spinning wheels spring to mind; an old crone dressed in black, probably the evil witch who turns up at the princesses christening to place a curse on her. Ok – I have an overactive imagination. But at the very best twin set and pearls suggest themselves.. You don’t think ‘spinster .. um .. motorbikes, high octane sports, freedom, fun, edginess, laughter.’ I think we need to do a rebranding exercise.

http://j.mp/bexskydive

Anyway – I realise I have been critical of the Church (the Church I love and am part of and work with and for) not particularly theological and I haven’t made any constructive suggestions. No… not yet. First I needed to vent a bit. But like the Murpheys, I’m not bitter. Well maybe a bit….

Editor’s Note: This demonstrates a conversation that goes on online and offline. What do you think – and what conversations/actions have you got involved in on this topic (online and offline)? Does the church need to think more and get involved in these conversations?

Tags: Conversation, Issue, Singleness

About Johnschaplain

Chaplain, teacher, preacher, digital infant. Interested in helping people to preach better, find their voice and communicate with energy, integrity and conviction. Think faith should make a difference at the sharp end. Love God. Love Dog.

http://www.benedictinenuns.org.uk Digitalnun

I think I can identify with everything you say here. Even if one belongs to a church which ostensibly values and has a rich theology of singleness in its various forms, as I do, in practice that church is organized around couples and celibate males. Single women, including nuns and sisters, are a bit of an oddity, eternally outside. Most of the time one just ‘gets on with it’, but you raise important points about perceptions and attitudes. You have left me pondering your sentence, ‘Perhaps the church has made an idol of family life rather than community life.’ Thank you, that is enriching.

Johnschaplain

Hello Catherine. nice to hear from you and enage in comment.Thanks for taking the time to respond. Your perspective is so valuable because I had, in my naivety, assumed life might be easier from the perspective of the habit! Clearly it isn’t. I am fascinated to read that you encounter some of the same issues. the phrase ‘eternally outside’ struck me – there is something in that which suggests both pain and the presence of God.

Tanyamarlow

I think that your observation that we elevate ‘family life’ above ‘community life’ is an astute one. Thanks for sharing.
Janeager

Brilliant! I am single-hetro,-never married-no kids, intentional celibate for 18 years and love it! My church fully supports it. There’s a lot of us who are celibate so there’s few people who say ‘you’d make a lovely wife etc’ ‘if only you had got married’. Nope we are see as those who can be set apart for Christ in its fullness & serve the church. Praise God!

Johnschaplain

Liking that coent, Janeager! great to hear you are supported by the Church and great tosee that your ministry is recognised and valued.

http://twitter.com/revpamsmith Pam Smith

Unfortunately this is true, I had a churchgoing friend who became single through divorce and could have really done with some support and fellowship in her new neighbourhood – sadly no church she visited appeared interested in a newly divorced woman as a prospective member. This had an enormous effect on her faith which to an extent was founded on her positive experiences of being married to a church leader and being in a position of some social importance in their churches for many years. The relegation from this to ‘invisible’ was too painful for her to bear so she gave up on church as a bad job. And I don’t blame her.

The idolatry of family life also places enormous pressure on real families who have problems and crises of course, particularly those in the spotlight, which is probably why vicars’ children/’children of the manse’ often have difficulties relating to organised religion when they grow up.

It seems rather odd that we spend so much time pushing people into couples when Jesus didn’t do this to his followers or himself! The nuclear family hardly features in the Bible so why we are so ‘married’ to it in the church is hard to understand!

Johnschaplain

Hi Pam – thanks for your rsponse – very thought provoking. I am saddened to hear about your friend’s experience. I dream of a church which is about community, ragged at the edges, open minded and founded on the inclusive love of Christ; a place where it is simply impossible to be invisible because all people are valued. now I have to say the church where I worship now comes pretty close – for which I am deeply grateful. I do wonder if having had a female vicar who is single might have helped. It’s not that the church has a massive singles ministry – that’s not the point; it simply seems to be a place where people really matter.

http://www.goannatree.com/ Goannatree

I think sharing the struggle and vulnerability felt when expressing these kinds of things in this forum is helpful. I’m glad your friend encouraged you to share that aspect of the journey.
As for the rest of it. I completely associate with your post and Sr Catherine’s comment. Community life. that’s something I’d love to encourage. It does disturb me that there’s still a rhetoric that somehow a woman is not complete or that she’s in some kind of holding pattern ‘until’ she’s married. I seek to be content where I am, and where I am is single and i’m often aware of why Paul says that he can give his whole life to the work of the church without the cares of a spouse/children. Especially at the moment as I’m almost entirely engrossed in my studies and my involvement with my church community.

Johnschaplain

Thnaks for your reply Anna – appreciate that. It’s really encouraging to hear from folk on this topic. Agree with you about the ‘holding pattern’ rhetoric – which is kinda tiresome. All the best with the studies!

http://www.jamesprescott.co.uk/ James Prescott

Fantastic post – and thanks for being so honest about your journey. I’m part of healthy church community which embraces singles in a very healthy way, whether a lifetime singleton, divorced, seperated or widowed – and its important the church does this. CI have many single female friends and certainly I have never seen single women of any kind as somehow lesser, or yet to embrace their calling at all.

As a single man for most of my life I know this through experience that singleness and abstience can be such a blessing in many ways and are in no way a second choice – certainly Jesus never sees it as such. I definitely echo Goannatree by saying healthy community is a very positive thing, certainly that’s what I experience in and through my church community & home group. Indeed now loving the whole journey with my church and with my creative side in my writing so much that a relationship/family would be a real sacrifice.

There are many Christians who do such damage through poor interpretations of scripture, and it saddens me when I see and hear stories of this happening, and it needs to be put to an end – which means all of us taking responsibility and being positive and affirming of all those who choose to be single and of singleness as a positve choice, one which can be fulfuilling, rewarding and throughly enjoyable, and a blessing to many.

We need to move away from these tired old preconceptions, they simply aren’t true reflections of scripture in my eyes, and they aren’t loving, gracious or respectful either.

Johnschaplain

Hi James. Thnaks for your reply. really appreciate that and also the positive tone – which was really helpful and encouraging.

Jandw81

I get the impression that it’s not so much The Church, as a few individual Christians (with questionable Christian values, the way you describe them) within the church, who do not think that. Single, white, female is capable of living a fulfilled life of an on their own.

Johnschaplain

Thanks for your response. I can see you’d get that impression since I have been necessarily selective – but I do think these incidents are not untypical. I wonder what other people’s experiences have been?

Pingback: The BIGBible Project | Re- branding spinsterhood |
http://twitter.com/drbexl Dr Bex Lewis

Another post you may find of interest: http://runninglife.wordpress.com/2012/02/01/its-just-the-same-for-me-caution-a-rant/
http://twitter.com/drbexl Dr Bex Lewis

Just Gooogled as is conversation going on on Twitter: “Jesus was unmarried and said remaining unmarried (celibacy) was a good choice for those who could accept that life and devote themselves to God (Matthew 19:10-12). The apostle Paul was also unmarried. He said remaining unmarried was a good and holy alternative, but it is better to marry than to be tempted into immorality by passion (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)” Others were married, so no requirement to be single!

http://www.twopaths.com/faq_marriage.htm
Sigrun

Thanks to Bex Lewis for pointing out this blogpost on runninglife and thank you for your vent, Johnschaplain. I’m single, never married, gay woman, one past relationship, and one of the reasons I left church last year was that I felt “eternally outside” (very good phrase, thank you for that) – it was a church of families, not a church family… I’m currently going to the chaplaincy at my workplace, a university, little chance of seeing families there!
Pingback: The BIGBible Project | The Big Bible Project Round-Up: 15-31 January 2012
Pingback: The BIGBible Project | You Are Loved #HappyValentines
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=656235160 Bex Lewis

http://www.premierradio.org.uk/woman.aspx: WEDS 15 FEB: This show is dedicated to singleness and dating. Maria will be joined by two ladies who’ll be helping single ladies how to find Mr Right – if there is such a thing! REBECCA MITCHELL is a counsellor and SHADE VAUGHAN is the author of ‘Single Without Sinking’.